Forgive me, for I keep thinking too much, over and over. I guess it’s something about trying to figure out the WHY and linking it to other disciplines, that I like to think deeply about things. But these linkages are all a made up construct, and they are whatever I deem them to be.
Today is about forgiveness. More than just forgiving myself (aka me having expectations and being disappointed), but also forgive the others that disappoint me because of my expectations. It’s not anyone’s fault, it is just what it is. Sometimes shit happens, and life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.
I was mad. Maybe less mad, more sad. Maybe less sad, more disappointed. Maybe not disappointed but more helpless without choices (无奈). Upon reflecting on why I feel this way, it goes back to me always getting what I want and never having to deal with rejections, because I’m always proactive in getting what I want. But recently, I learnt that you can do everything within your power to get things done, but some times, it just doesn’t go your way.
I hate it. I hate not getting what I want even when I put 110% of effort. I hate getting rejected when I know could have been great. I hate this new reality.
But hey, I’m learning to deal with this and learning to grow beyond this naive fantasy.
And this is where forgiveness comes in. To allow myself to grief on the lost opportunity, to forgive the factors (people, time, place) that affected the outcome, to appreciate the lessons learnt from this episode of reality.
After all, we all learn from experiences. Any time you are wrong in your guess, you can be glad you had that experience so that you can become more accurate in the future.
Here’s to forgiveness and letting things go. Goodbye.