This is a post of my very real flaws.
There’s no such thing as perfect. Every situation has two sides to the coin — both the good and bad. There is no such thing as always good without the bad. So here’s the bad reality of my life.
My life is really good. I am grateful for always having people who truly and deeply love and care for me. I’m lucky to have giants whose shoulders I can stand on. I’m incredibly lucky to have the privilege to do what I love and to have the tools available to figure my life out. A mix of eastern upbringing, western education, a grounded principle, a socially acceptable physical appearance and an ambitious heart. I’m simply privileged to grow up with this. My reality is of course different for others, and I never sought to compare.
But because things are good, there’s a sad reality to that fact. Unfortunately.
All my life, I have always been a priority in one way or another. Priority in my parents’ and grandparents’ eyes. A priority in relationships. I put myself as priority. Even when walking on the streets, people get out of my way, cars stop for me, literally strangers shelter me with their umbrellas when it rains.
To put this bluntly, I’ve been incredibly fortunate with most people and experiences in my life. And it’s not something that I am very conscious about. It’s just….. my reality I guess? I have always grown up like that and that is what I am always experiencing. So when I don’t get this, it feels incredibly strange. No doubt, this life makes it hard sometimes because I genuinely don’t understand a lot of things.
And now that I am reflecting on it, the reason why I cut lots of people away is because I am no longer their priority. And since my life experience has always been top priority, realising that I am no longer top is weird. Because it is not the reality I grew up with. And I find no reason to continue keeping these people.
So I want to work on that.
It is only recently as I experience more “real world”, where reality starts to hit me more in my face. Sure, my currently reality is still incredibly fortunate and lucky, but it is not about comparing me with others. It’s about comparing me with my past self. This juxtaposition is huge and everything feels incredibly more significant.
I had to learn about deal with rejections in 2019. I had to be comfortable with knowing not everything is always a priority. And learning what other people’s realities are like.
It makes me come off as an asshat, arrogant, full of herself and whatnot. And I didn’t understand why, because I’m not doing any of these with an intention to hurt. And now, I understand that it is my life experience that makes me come off as an asshat.
So I’m working on it. I’m working on becoming more empathetic and to be more mindful. (Tbf, I think I’ve improved since years ago. More improvements to go!)
Learning to deal with rejections and things not going my way was so difficult. I grew up with very humble beginnings. And so when I wanted anything, my parents will provide tools needed (e.g. craft sets, science bootcamps) and I will use my resources to get it done. It has always been how I grew up. When you want something, you go and get it. And it almost always goes my way.
Every time I’m faced with a difficulty, I know that I have within me the resources to get it fixed and done. I am grateful to be resourceful and have resources around me. So when things don’t go my way, it becomes incredibly difficult. And when I have doubts and I ask my friends for advice, they usually end up with “you’re Lisa. You can do this.”. Weird as it sounds, that gives me the faith and courage to continue again and things are fixed in the end.
I’m also grateful that people almost always have faith in me. In good times and in bad. It’s a privilege, really. It does at some pressure to produce, but I can work under those pressure so it’s fine.
Learning that reality is not like that can be quite tough. The reality is that sometimes you can do all the things right and still fail. It’s not wrong. It’s just reality. And this is still very hard for my to grapple.
There’s still a long way for me to learn and be comfortable with this reality. I’m learning to love and embrace failure. Now, I want to be comfortable with things not going my way. I’ll frame them as failures. That’s good.
I’ve been working on it since 2019. To become more comfortable with things not going my way. To not internalise when outcomes don’t go my way.
When I call people “my people”, I will love them and protect them with all my heart. I think I am genuinely a kind person, but I don’t always show that to everyone very readily. (E.g. acquaintances vs friends) I’m lucky to have people who do the same for me too. I love them so much.
The problem now is that it’s hard to call everyone “my people”. And because I give so much energy to “my people”, I have very little energy left. Plus priority and empathy above, it makes me look even more of an asshat.
So I want to be more mindful and conscious about people and to build more real relationships with non “my people” type of people.
I know I can’t care for everyone in the world. But I can definitely be more empathetic to everyone. And that is something important too. Kindness and caring =/= empathy. Differentiate that.
It’s great that my top principle is authenticity and honesty. I’m always me, despite who I am with. So that’s good. I really love that about me. Something to be more mindful is to communicate honesty in a more empathetic way. Yes, honesty is good. Brutal honesty too. But tactless honesty is just rude. And we don’t need that.
I want to be more tactful in my communications. Still always be honest, but frame it in a kinder and more empathetic way.
I like things straightforward and honest. It helps the rational mind to process and plan 3 steps ahead. But that is not how reality works. Being tactful is important. Because at the end of the day, we are flawed and irrational human beings.