Most fear I have are pretty common fears, mainly fearing that I am not good enough — fear of being inadequate, I really do fear not being good enough or just random doubts about not being competent enough.
Whilst that is not “rational fear” per say, it is a healthy dose of fear to keep my ego in check and healthy stress to keep pushing and learning more. Once in a while, when I am out at night, I do feel a little fearful about what could jump out at me. But in general, I rarely experience too much fear.
Then I experienced irrational fear.
Lesson learnt: realise it is irrational fear. Go to the root cause of it. Figure out why I felt that way. Find solutions to get out of that situation, should it happen again.
Fear exists because we feel like we are in danger — physically or emotionally. I rarely feel physically in danger (thankfully) and I am almost never in a situation where I am emotionally in danger. Fear is built on the foundational basis of danger. So irrational fear is when that foundational danger does not exist, yet the feeling of fear does.
Man, I cried.
I feel incredibly grateful and fortunate to meet the most wonderful people and kindest souls throughout all my journey in life. It’s like the universe planting beautiful flowers along my path of life. And for that, I am grateful every single day — literally. It’s in my daily entries. 99% of people I meet are just incredibly amazing.
While this is good, it might be bad because I don’t know to deal with not so wonderful people.
It’s like learning what rejection is and dealing with it in 2019.
Long story short, I was in a situation where I felt truly uncomfortable and fearful. My gut has never felt more terrible in my life. I was literally having a physical reaction and I had to pinch myself to stay calm — which I did and I’m proud of it.
Then, thankfully a friend was near and talked me through my feelings, came up with some solutions to dealing with it and a cup of tea always helps. A couple of familiar voices over the phone to talk through what I was feeling and then cuddles from Kostas and analysing this irrational fear.
It’s amazing how relaxing crying feels. I rarely cry from sadness, always tears of joy. Maybe I should cry more often.
What I felt is what I felt. There is no right or wrong to it. It is completely valid.
It is irrational because there was no real fear, per say. It was all a construct in my head. I was battling some thoughts in my head too, to remain kind and open, yet my body had a physical reaction to it. The physical reaction is the greatest signal that I need to get out of the situation.
Moving on, I am now more equipped with handling such situations. And I’m so grateful for friends, near and far, to talk me through it and rationalise this irrational fear.
Whilst this is not a good experience, I’m grateful for it. Because I have once again learnt about things that could make me fragile. Today, I have some solutions to become more anti-fragile. A necessary evil, I’ll say!
Today’s a better day.