It’s been at least 12 years of routined reflection times. It still amazes me at how helpful and healthy self-reflection is. Q2 has been terrible, but upon reflection, I realised how great it actually was. It turned my entire mood around, gave me new introspection to issues and I am 100% back to being in my element again!
Reflecting on Q2 was very important to me since I could understand the issue from a new perspective, almost like a spectator watching a movie about my life and giving comments. To put it in year 2020 words, I am my own therapist. (I think it’s less about therapy, more about just having introspection.)
At the end of the day, reflection made me realise truly, everything happens for a reason. A bigger reason that binds all randomness together. I was so feeling incredibly sad, tired and disappointed about many things. But I realised that it was temporary. I have the control to shift my focus and choices. Today, I feel light as a feather, accelerating forward at top speed. Sharpening the saw, they say.
Realisations from Q2
Throughout Q2, I was fortunate enough to experience a type of life I always wanted to try but never to commit to. It’s to live a normal 9-5 life, of being a cog in the machine, of being a particle in the wave motion, of just existing without leaving a mark.
I’ve never been like that in my life ever. It was always about making a difference, about value-adding and being the change. So in that sense, Q2 was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to try out living life in the “normal” way, the way I would have never lived.
I hated it. I mean, I don’t hate the lifestyle. In fact, it was easy and insanely comfortable. No intellectual challenge, no provoking perspectives. Just a cog in the machine, going one day at a time. I get why people were sucked into this lifestyle. It’s just… incredibly easy.
At the same time, I took the first half of Q2 to heal my heart. I guess I’ve ignored it long enough and finally took courage to look inside. It sucks, because I had to acknowledge the pain. But I guess it was worth it since I come out a stronger person now.
So Q2 sucked. The experiences sucked. But they were necessary. They were important for growth. And of all timings to experience these bad things, I’m grateful to experience them when the world was on pause for a while. In that sense, I didn’t really lose out.
Q2 was thus, amazing. Without the reflection, I would not arrived at the insight where I am grateful for these (terrible) experiences. They suck, but they were going to happen anyway.
The Cog in the Machine Lifestyle
I’m incredibly embarrassed to share this but it’s something that I want to remember. I’m embarrassed that this was my lifestyle for a few weeks. This lifestyle sucks and having experimented with it for a few weeks, I will say that I hate it.
Only work when the working hours are required (aka no innovation inputs). Eating anything that makes you feel good (aka terrible food). Exercising only when you feel like it (aka never). Spend lots of time watching mindless Netflix shows (aka not documentaries or foreign films, but dumb shows with laugh tracks). Skip the news (aka no analysis of geopolitics, just occasional random gossip). Scrolling the internet (aka not reading my books that are stacking up).
Just live every day without reflection, meditation or challenging my mindset.
It’s crazy how easy it is to be sucked into this comfortable mindless lifestyle! Now I completely understand why people would choose this life. And now I have a better understanding when helping people to get out of this lifestyle.
NNT is right, worse thing after heroin is a fixed salary at the end of every month.
Funny thing is that I was… kinda happy? I mean, happy in the ignorant way (bad happy!). I was happy in my little bubble of mindlessness. But deep down, something just did not sit right. I think that is what made me so unhappy and frustrated, because I was not living life according to my principles.
It’s been a while since I had happy tears again. But I had them this morning. Nothing much, just really grateful for where I am today, where I was before, how far I have come and just to acknowledge the process. The only validation I seek is from my future self. If future Lisa says it’s good, it is good. And here I am looking at past Lisa and her actions. I’m proud of her. Good job girl!
It’s also a blessing to be doing my Q2 reflections under the beautiful full moon with clear skies. Nothing like the bright moon shining down while I look back at my journey. I know it’s only 3 months, but it felt like an eternity. I acknowledged vulnerability, fears, doubt, isolation. But through it, I found hope, strength, determination, faith.
As the world seems to be crumbling, I can’t help but feel powerless. Then I remember that there are still plenty of things within my control, where I can make a difference. So for that, I’m grateful.
Life is fascinating again. Back to meditation and being present. Giving up things out of my control. I found hope and faith again.
Apart from my heart wanting more time to get back to normality, the rest of me is back in my element. Life is really like 2 balls, trying to balance on top of each other. I always feel like a failure when I drop out of my path, only to come back again. But that is just it. It’s like meditation – lose focus, and bring the attention back. Or Apollo going to the moon – small deviations to bring the space shuttle back on path.
Here’s to remembering what we have, instead of yearning what we’ve lost.