There is only one day in the entire year that matters to me. And that’s my b’day.
It has always been this way. At home, the only dates that really matters are birthdays and parent’s anniversary. The rest of the days are just a construct and I could not care less. For better or worse, everything is hinging on that one special day in a year. In fact, it usually lasts a month instead. The favourite day, the favourite month.
I’ve always celebrated it with family and then slowly accepted friends into my special day. It simply is that sacred that I do not allow anyone to be part of it. I’d rather spend it with just my parents or alone. I love that company most.
Drinks, parties, dancing, friends and lots of love. That’s how my birthday has been celebrated. One year, I finally allowed someone in. It turned into the saddest day of my entire life. Till today, there might be nothing that can hurt me more than that day.
Long story short, I learnt to never allow anyone into my special day, except for family or myself. Spent 2019 with my parents on a little trip. Spent 2020 on a solo trip to somewhere far away. This year, I can’t travel, so I don’t know what to do.
And truth to be told, I never got over how hurt I was. Whilst I did not build walls up around my heart, the walls around my birthday is thick and impenetrable. It’s just not worth it to be this hurt anymore. I simply do not have the courage nor the strength to rebuild from that hurt again. Maybe some day, I will find the courage again. Till then, people can dance around the day, but never be part of the day itself. Gotta hedge your exposure!
Disappointments are alright, to be honest. I simply delete that person from my life and reevaluate my expectations. I think I’m doing a great job! 🙂
This also becomes an interesting barometer. By November, if someone is not worthy of my January, they hold a less significant role in my life. And that is fine. Not everyone needs to have a significant place. I am less hurt, less sad and less disappointed by all the things I cannot control.
Hello 2021. I’m excited!