Ok I am going to type this down and probably keep this in drafts. I realised that I go through this cycle. (Turns out, I’m posting this. This happened in Jan/Feb, again in Apr and multiple times over 2020/1. I think this post specifically happened in Q2/3 2021. You see, my life isn’t always successful and smooth sailing. Some periods are really really hard. Feeling like a failure is something I struggle with.)

5 Stage Cycle

1. Learning something completely new, learning from scratch, being super confused and clueless. That feeling sucks but I also know that it is a good thing to be confused as I am learning more each day. The big picture focus keeps me on track with the confused feeling right now. → 1 month
2. Being comfortable and speaking the “language” of the topic. This is where the fun begins. It’s about cross-pollinating ideas and applying to the new learning or using the new learning somewhere. It’s always good and I love it. It’s a short-term happy state. → 1 month
3. Then becoming a little decent in the topic, I know I have graduated beginner’s class. That’s really nice and good, tbh. But then, it sucks. → 2 weeks
   1. I know more things than others but simply not enough. And I need to invest vastly more time and resource to move up to the next stage. And I can’t afford to invest that much time and resource at this point right now.
   2. I become sad/depressed-ish, bc knowing the beginner’s part is good but not enough to be an expert and be a specialist to have deep insightful chats. And that sucks. Honestly, that sucks big time. I want to be both a generalist and specialist. I’m not there yet. It sucks so much. The step to move to specialist is huge and it is hard and it sucks.
   3. I see so many problems and I don’t have the skills to solve it and it makes me legitimately sad. I feel dumb and incredibly useless.

   I am (was) at stage 3 now. A mix of asshat and kinda depressive. Maybe I choose to be an asshat bc it’s easier than to feel depressive about not knowing enough to solve the problem. I don’t know. But that’s likely.

   So yeah. I’m feeling so discouraged right now. I will become better, I know that. I will stand up again and be awesome. Just that right now, it’s gonna suck a little. It’s always gonna suck a little. It’s about mediating through it and come back stronger. I’ll let it suck a little more until 4pm. and then, I’m going to write a new post on this.

4. Feeling really burnt out and need 2 days off from work to just take a deep breath and remember how far we have gone. This period sucks the most. Some nights, I cry to sleep because the hormones produced when we cry is the most efficient at healing than exercising, cooking or watching a movie. → 1 week
5. Recharge, relax and come back to learning and being excited about life again! It just happens naturally. One day I wake up, and everything is alright. It’s like magic. The brain resolves the problems on its own. I really dk how this works. But it always does. I’m grateful. → 1 week

Ok, get your shit together again, Lisa.

Love,
L