It’s a scary world out there when you realise how many people in this world use all means and methods to be numb from life. Alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and endless parties. And you know what’s the scariest thing? I caught myself finding ways to be numb from everything in the world. I don’t even know me anymore. But I learnt that good is good enough.
Lately, I haven’t been feeling alright. I’m not alright, not at all. In fact, I have been breaking down a lot lately and it feels so scary. I know I have tons of people that will always be there for me and listen to me, but the key thing is that I’m not even spending time to listen to myself. After bottling up for so long because I don’t want to address these things, I feel a lot better talking or crying out. It will be alright. Everything will be worth it in the end. It’s going to be fine.
I realised I have too many responsibilities. It took me some time to realise that I am very limited by the time I have; 24 hours a day. I’m only 21 years old and yes, there are many 21 year olds out there doing their shit and making their shit but I’m not them. We are different, and that’s okay. I have to focus on what I really want and it took my long enough for that to happen.
The stress I was feeling: I am not a multimillionaire who created an app or website that redefines the world that we know of. I feel like a failure. I feel like a complete utter loser. My existence is useless and what’s the point of living if I am so far away from my goals? I’m also burying myself in stupid work that I hate and it is not bringing me any closer to my goals.
It has been many years of playing now. Running around in busyness, getting myself overly busy, doing things without a reason anymore. Of course, so many people asked me to take it slow, one step at a time. And that’s the main reason why I don’t like telling people about what I think about. They don’t understand.
Perhaps the people that I can really communicate with when I talk about these things are really older friends, who have had experiences in life and have had been through all of these. I feel like I’m at least 10 years older in my thoughts and life than my body is physically at right now. But that’s okay. As long as I spend enough time listening to me, to learn from others and continuously improve myself, it’s not going to be that lonely.
My focus will be Trevellers and it will be only Trevellers. It’s high time to stop running around and start being serious. I’m sick of saying “I’m busy” or “too busy. No time for you”. I have to set my priorities right. Trevellers, family (blood and crazy one) and friends. I really do not care about anything anymore. Fake friends, acquaintances, additional working experience, whatever. I can leverage on everything I have right now because it’s so much. I do not need additional stress and responsibilities right now.
Did you know, I have 3 jobs right now. It’s really good experience and I learn a lot, growing a lot too. But it’s really killing me. It makes me crave that numbness from life. As much as I’m learning, it’s at the expense of my sanity. I must always remember that my goal is Trevellers and not anything else.
Good is Good Enough
What can I say, my personality is such that I only want the best and nothing less. And as much as I want the best in everything, it is really killing me. I know it’s good because of so many reasons, but to have so many responsibilities and want the best for all of them, is not what I can handle.
And the worst thing is that not everyone appreciates it. I hate being unappreciated for all the hard work I put in because I do put in lots of hard work when I do something. So in the end, I learnt that to most people in the world, good is good enough. It really is. Just like how sometimes I only need to hear “Lisa you’re fine. You’re more than fine. You’re really doing well”, sometimes good is enough. Fine is good enough.
Relationship; it’s a “NO” for Me
The more I talk about relationship, the more I don’t want it. It’s just another responsibility and another time consuming thing. It’s not a priority, it’s not something I can at least have some control over and it changes me.
Also, relationship is a lot more than just physical or chemical attraction between people. It means a lot more to me and until I find the perfect guy, I’m really fine being alone. Although I miss being in a relationship, I am ready to die alone, anytime. I honestly think that that perfect ideal person does not exist in any possible matter, way or form so I’m really okay being alone.
I’ve had the most amazing time of my life being in love and that’s really good enough for me. One of that hot, passionate and extraordinary love in 1 lifetime is more than enough, some people don’t even have it once. I can’t bet on the stars to wish for another love like that. So, relationships are not something I want to do unless it’s that super rare hot, passionate and extraordinary love once again. I will never settle for anything less than what I want.
Sometimes I do hate the fact that I have such high expectations of me and things around me. And not only do I want to hit that high expectations, I want to be even better than my expectations. It is definitely killing me in a way because I get so stressed over my own sets of expectations. But it’s alright. It’s all going to be worth it. The name “Lisa JY Tan” will be known all over the world. Everything will be worth it and it will all be alright in the end. That’s what I always tell myself.
Hope it’s better on your side.