Do you ever feel jealous about yourself? It’s a very weird situation, I understand that. Because I enjoy reflecting and journaling, I constantly look back at what I did in the past and write about them. Looking back at what I did just a year back, I feel so jealous.
I’m thankful that I did write down my lessons and thoughts all the time so I can always look back and see how much I’ve grown. I still get amazed by how far I have come through late 2013 till today. I’ve matured in thoughts, actions, plans and my views of everything. I can now say “do whatever you believe in and ignore anyone who wants to stop you”. This is because and only because I know what I want, I have an idea of my future and I am also working towards it and not just dreaming about it! Anyone who does not have faith in my dreams are just people I do not want in my life.
I’m in awe; I realised I did so many things in the past. I just did what I love and I realise it’s so much. I wonder how I did it and if I were to do them again, I doubt I can be as good or even close! The intense hiking, partying and meeting new people all the time. Also the exploring, the talking and the listening. These are really the top few things I love and I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I’m in deep admiration of the past me. The current me is doing NOTHING like that and it really is breaking my heart.
I’m jealous of the past me. All the travels, the freedom, the stressless-ness. My life is worth living every single day. I enjoy every moment of it, no matter how tough. My days are full of ups and downs. Sometimes it gets so stressed that I think I might burst out in tears, sometimes I’m so happy that I could die at that moment. I’m always filled with lots of emotions and 99% of the time its happiness. I’m jealous of those times.
I’m sad because the past me and the current me are the same person yet we are leading such different lives. I feel so bounded by the society, by my parents, by the environment. Well, this is probably my fault because like what Andrey said, you are only limited by your thoughts. I have to stop thinking that I am in a poorer environment than I was in last year. Nonetheless, I’m still sad because I felt like I lost the adventurous part of me. This time last year, I’ve done so many things, seen so much and grown too. Now, I’ve probably also done the same just less intense.
But I am happy.
I’m happy that I have such experiences before. I like to look at myself from another person’s POV when I reflect. I love all the experiences I’ve had. I love the stories I’ve encountered and the people I’ve met. I can tell you about Korea, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Switzerland, Italy, Germany, France, most parts of Europe, China, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Indonesia, Australia, Taiwan. I can ramble on and on and on because of the people I’ve met, their stories told, my own stories and because I was very exposed to the world outside.
It Gets Better
“Sometimes life is just more awesome than other times. But it’ll be awesome again!” V told me.
Yes, I know my life will be awesome again. I’m just sad that it’s not awesome every single day. Then again, sunshine all the time makes a desert (Arabian proverb). We experience awesome times then not so awesome times to be fully grateful for the good times.
Well, my life now is not that bad actually. It’s in fact, extremely awesome. It’s just a different definition, intensity and type of awesome. Everyday, I’m moving closer to my goal, my dream. Last year was the year of fun, the year I travel and create my own stories to tell. This year, I share my stories, I want to tell my stories to the world and I want to inspire people with them.
Next year when I look back at today, I will be thankful. I work towards my goal now. It’s awesome, just less intense of the awesomeness. But the sense of achievement and rewards are beyond words. It’s also great that I am studying something else that’s not related to Trevellers. I just have a feeling that like Steve Jobs, one day my calligraphy skills (econs skills) will become one of the key skills I need to turn my business into a world changing company – Apple (Trevellers). I’ve got a feeling it will, and so that’s what keeps me going. I don’t aim for grades, I just aim for the knowledge behind it. Right now I’m learning the basics and the immature me (now me) don’t see the point, but I know when I study micro, macro, AE and IEB, everything will be more than just crystal clear!
I like to think that the universe is always assisting me, sending the right people at the right time, doing the right things. I just have to keep going and I will reach there. I’m really happy for the people I have in my life. I’m also always always always happy and thankful for people who believe in me. I don’t know what I show, but people always tell me “if there’s only 1 person that can make it, it’s Lisa”. or “… you both will probably make it. Nah, you will definitely make it.” and “you’ll definitely succeed, I’m sure.” I’m thankful for these people.
You know what I miss most? I miss risking my life and doing stupid things like climbing steep rocks, jumping on cliffs and sitting on the edge of the mountains.