If there is 1 word to describe me, it’s happy. I never knew what real sadness is like. Perhaps I never allowed myself to be sad that’s why. But this time, sadness engulfed me and embraced me like a giant squid in a Japanese film. It was the worst feeling experienced, so far.

Those 2 days were the darkest, saddest and most depressing days of my life. I haven’t been feeling good, emotionally, lately. I forgot that I am always in control of my thoughts and just allowed it to flow. My head kept creating and thinking about scenarios and situations that only make me feel worse. I woke up one day feeling so dark and dull. The constant rain also did not help a bit.

And the worst? I couldn’t be happy.

Happiness

It’s a simple little thing isn’t it? You smile, your heart burst out with love and the world feels so warm like a golden ray of sunshine. Otherwise fake it till you make it, keep smiling and faking happiness till you’re truly happy.

Funny thing though. As much as I advocate happiness and positivity, the only thing running in my head was sadness and negativity. It was so depressing to just live each day. I did everything I love. I wrote, I watched comedies, I read, but nothing. Nothing helped at all. I just felt like… ceasing my existence. It’s a strange feeling; I have never felt anything like this before!

Talking to people

Another thing that didn’t help was that no one actually understands my situation except one, Shine. But he told me this was normal and it’s alright. That part didn’t help. This is not normal and this is not alright! It was his one sentence that woke me up: “one day I got sick of it all and I decided to stop being like that”.

I realised I’ve always been in control! I told myself I can’t take this anymore, I have to snap out of this and return to the old Lisa that always ruled the world.

Yup, that worked.

Recovery

I woke up the next few days feeling so much better. The skies were bluer (literally) and I began to believe again. Slowly but surely, I found myself once again. But that’s not all, the sadness came back fast and hard. I had to fight and struggle to keep this depressed period short and gone asap.

I did many ways. Wrote a lot more and reflected and listened to the inner voice, but it did not help. I just ended up in tears. So I figured I should talk to the root cause that made me feel like this. I wrote a short paragraph describing how I feel and all and it felt so much better. You can’t believe how much better it felt.

The best thing

Nothing helped as much as looking though my old reflections and thoughts, understanding me as an outsider!

These were thoughts and words that spoke directly to me. In a strange way, it felt like the universe knew this is bound to happen. The stack of reflections, quotes and thoughts that defined who I am in the past, end up helped rebuilding me!

The words and images spoke to me in ways no one else can. I don’t know what I read actually, but I’m pretty sure it was a mixture of “Lisa is awesome” and “Lisa, the queen above all”. Here I am now, radiating happiness to the world.

All these happen in a short span of 2-4 days but it felt like eternity. Depression is something not to be handled lightly. I’m thankful for everything that happened to be and that I’m stronger than I think I am. I’m able to fight off the negativity in spite of feeling so low. I’m able to say “Ok, FTS. I’ve had enough of this sadness. I need to be happy again” and I’m able to become the happy me once again. (Well it takes time to be 100% happy again and I’m getting there!)

If there’s ever anyone around you that’s depressed, hug them, listen to them and tell them things they need to hear. For me, I need to know how awesome I am and how the universe can’t live without me. (Whatever works for you!)

Love,
L