But the pent up incident really hurt me. I realised they will never accept me for my “evil western values” and that I am just the black sheep in the family. I feel like I’m always the one being mindful for everyone, the gel that glues everything together, the one that had to adjust my expectations (to accept that my family will never ever understand who I am and to just be okay with it).
I’m not even very controversial or anything. Just valuing individualism a little more than the collectivist societies and having fundamental guiding principles.
All I ask is for them to appreciate who I am. That’s all. I don’t even need support when I am down, or to share my troubles and unload any burden. I’ve done this on my own and looked for solutions in my own capacity. All I just wish for is to be accepted for my values and principles that make me who I am. I’m proud of all my values and principles I stand for. I audit myself all the time (aka quarterly reflection). My principles define my identity as a value-adding individual that exists right now. It took me so long to get to where I am. I’m so proud of me. I just wish to not feel so alone at home. I already feel alone in the big world outside, I thought home is a safe haven for me to be in. I guess that’s out of the window now.
But It’s Ok
But it’s okay. I’ve learnt to be okay with it. I’ve learnt to realise that many things are not within my control and there’s nothing I can do about it. Instead, I can do what I can within my control. And that’s where friends come in. Where I can pick and choose the people I allow into my life and to see various aspects of me. And I’m so fucking grateful for those people.
Life keep going. The earth keeps spinning. This quarter, I’ve learnt to really appreciate quiet time, alone time and just calmness. I look at the moon. I look at the sunset. They teach me so much.
I’m very grateful for the things I have. The privilege, the resources, the opportunities. And I thank my lucky stars every single day. I started a video-log but did not continue long enough. I guess I will restart it again because it helped me to learn so much about me.
This quarter, despite the tons of laughter, ended terribly. I hate this quarter and I would not repeat this quarter ever. In hindsight, I appreciate a lot about this quarter. It’s like the Vietnam-period of my life. The process sucksssss but I know I am learning and growing so much from it. It is a necessary evil. So be it. It’s a chapter in my life that is important.
Here’s to a new quarter. May it be a better one.