don’t be sad little fighter, everything’s gonna be alright.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so sad in my life before. Gone were the weekends where I can snuggle beside V and then meet everyone else for dinner and we can chill after that. You know what, I’m never going to love people again. Loving someone is so tough, things just don’t according to plan and sometimes things are just not fated.
Silly V stayed up and wrote a 3 page essay to convince me to study in the Netherlands. Having spoken to daddy and mummy and other important people, no one really wants me to study abroad. Hi SMU, I’m 200% sure now that I will love you for 4 years and please love me hard to. I’ve chosen this logical and practical path. I really hope it’s a correct path. I’m willing to sacrifice everyone I love to do what I love. Perhaps loving something that can last forever is better than loving people. Sorry I am weak, sorry I am not brave enough to give up everything for love. I am weak, I am not strong.
As someone who is really strong, I’ve been keeping myself busy but to no avail. I spent some weekend nights feeling sad. I hate tears, I really do. I promise that tonight will be the last few nights in tears. I know my decision is right. Will be right. Definitely right. But the thought of not spending the rest of my life, or rather, several more years with you beside me is just haunting.
Who will be there to hold me hands and teach me to ice skate on frozen lakes in Germany during winter?
Who will be there to hug me when it gets cold?
Who will be there to call me when I need someone, no matter how far you are?
Who will be there to stay up all night just to listen to me cause I’m feeling frustrated?
Who will be rushing home just to see me through the phone?
Who will be willing to spend so much money just to facetime every night because you would rather see my face than just hear me?
Not only so,
Who will wrap their hands around my head as I fall asleep to their heartbeat?
Who will be angry and wants to get their contact when someone tries to hit on me?
Who will be there to hug me and tell me everything’s gonna be alright when I wake up with a nightmare?
Who will be kissing me to keep quiet when I talk too much?
They say distance doesn’t matter when the heart’s together. Clearly those people haven’t been apart. Not only do I miss him, but the rest too. Whenever I take a 30min bus ride, I am reminded that with this time, I could be at Sai Ying Pun. Maybe watch a movie together while drink beer, or laugh with baby girl when baby is cooking. Why is everyone leaving? Why is everyone slowly leaving me? I’m surrounded by so many people I love, but I feel extremely lonely. Whenever I’m doing anything, I can’t help but think about these guys.
I wished I was drinking beer with ice glass in 2-Degree bar with them
I wished I has freezing my ass off with them
I wished I had 21″ pizza with them as we talk about how pisano’s is better
I wished we went to explore cool rooftops together
I wished I had you guys with me during my graduation and I can show off to everyone I know
I wished we has stayovers, and I will bring my good whiskeys and we can get drunk
I wished we can explore Singapore in the middle of the night, as we squeeze in my car and probably laugh my my driving skills the whole night
I wished I had just one more weekend with you guys. Or weekday night. Or just a dinner. Or just an hour. That’s all I need. Just one more hour.
I wished for you guys to be here
I don’t want to seem to needy to tell you guys I miss you all the time, but I do. I really do. I do very badly. If I bring a book with me to record every time I miss any of you, it will be finished before I start my university. And this is why I never liked loving people. Cause once I love someone, I love them with nothing else to spare. I am madly, deeply, truly, passionately in love with each and every single one of you.
But loving people is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And no matter what the odds are, thank you for always loving me.