For starters, always know that when you truly love someone, it never goes away.
I like to compare love to energy. It does not get destroyed; it changes from one form to another. It might be romantic love at a point in time, and then change to love of a family with genuine care, respect and appreciation.
So when things are over, the days are going to be a little dark – just for a bit. But the good days are always going to come back soon, remember that.
Step 1: use your head not your heart
A type of ending I’m always experiencing is when it is circumstantial. As in one of us (usually me) has to leave. That’s the thing about moving about so much, you’re always leaving. I try to find comfort in that. I’m still learning.
Those endings are tough because you end when things are at its peak. The honeymoon phase, the fireworks, the flirty feelings, the upsides without the downsides. It’s difficult to end when things are good, I must admit.
For these endings, I do accept that they were never meant to be anything more. Those “what-if”s that I find myself drifting towards at midnight is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. They’re nice bedtime fairytales I tell myself. But they’re not real. It’s alright to indulge in fantasy once in a while, but never stay there.
The toughest end is when there is no foreseeable future when you thought there was one. It’s the most practical method. It’s wonderful and good, but moving forward isn’t the best option for both person. It doesn’t mean love ended, it just meant that compatibility might be an issue.
You’d think these endings are easier since they’re rational. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. They’re the worst type of endings. Because you see, our heart has a huge lag time from our head. And my heart is incredibly attached to a soul. I guess that’s how we love.
When these endings happen, it takes me a long time to use my head and understand what happened. In general, this is my rational checklist:
 Did I do everything I wanted, within my control, so there is no regrets?
 Did I communicate my thoughts and feelings openly?
 Did I do everything I can (proactively not passively), within my control, to get the outcome I want?
When I understand the situation rationally, I’ve satisfied my head’s understanding. Now we need to allow the lag time of the heart to catch up worth what our head has already known.
Note: this can take a long time. Both to justify logically and to accept the reality.
Step 2: cry.
That is the answer. Cry. And just cry your heart out.
It’s normal to feel heartbroken, sad and that all the light in the world extinguished. It’s normal.
The solution is to cry. And cry. And cry some more till you have no more tears. But you have to give yourself the time and space to cry, feel all these feelings and begin healing.
Step 2 is about embracing the emotions. And to feel everything fully. It’s all part of the process. You have to experience everything fully before letting it go. Then we have no regrets because we have given ourselves the opportunity to feel. It’s all what life is about. You have to open yourself to all emotions – good or bad.
And after a while, you will start to begin healing. This may take years, months or days. It depends on how open you are to fully experience that sadness. I realised that the more open I am to fully accepting the feelings, the faster I heal.
I used to think that the “harder you love, the harder it is to get over”. That’s not true. It’s about loving without living with the person, it’s about changing that love to another type of love, it’s about embracing the new chapter one is about to embark on.
Bonus: talking to a friend about it helps tremendously.
Step 3: embrace the waves
One thing I read that changed how I dealt with loss (death, heartbreak) is waves.
Losing someone is like experiencing a shipwreck in a thunderstorm. When the crash first happens, the waves are choppy, 20m high and they keep crashing into you, drowning you. All you need to do is to hold on.
As you hold on, the waves become 10m, the water is less choppy, you learn to stay afloat. Then you waves reduces to 0.5m and it comes once in a long while. You learn to survive. You learn to be afloat. You learn to swim. You learn to be alive again.
It’s the same with loss. Initially it comes in huge waves and drowns you with tears. All the feelings and memories will hit you from all angles. You just hang on to the broken pieces and survive.
The memories come back less often and with smaller intensity, just like the waves. They’re never gone, just like how someone you love is never gone because they live in your heart. And you learn to embrace those memories when they come back, once in a while.
And there, the 3 steps to get over a heartbreak. Use your head, allow your heart to feel and just keep surviving.
When the memories come back once in a while, I remember the good times and ride the waves. The good times will come again and everything will be okay.