Marcus said something that helped me reframe this experience. He said that we constantly calibrate our world based on experiences in the past. What I have experienced is a recalibration of my “reality” — that vulnerability is part of real life. The fairytale utopia is not real. And that is ok. It means time to recalibrate my reality.
I watched this TED talk that was recommended by Dave. She talks about the exact thing that I have reflected about in the past week — vulnerability. I’m glad I came to the conclusion before watching her talk. The answer is really simple.
I am enough.
Despite my vulnerabilities and fears, I am enough. I am worthy of everything that I want.
Once I realised that vulnerability and fears simply exist, I walked into it with open arms. I fully embrace, accept and acknowledge that it exists. (Meditation helped a ton, to come to this breakthrough.)
And like magic, suddenly the looming fear dissipates! When I no longer viewed vulnerability as a weakness, it suddenly became strength. It becomes a superpower. I now fear a lot less.
I acknowledged that opening my heart and tearing the walls down may mean getting hurt. But if we will get hurt anyway, the goal is not to avoid hurt. It is to learn from hurt, to recover from hurt and to reduce getting hurt. That’s just some powerful realisation.
I love certainty. Maybe that is one reason why I took up economics, because prediction and forecasts help to make uncertainty a little more certain. I see value in that. It turns out, I am not too different from others. We love making the uncertain certain.
Uncertainty makes me uncomfortable. A little anxious, a little fearful, a little vulnerable. Once I realised that this is a common thing, and that I am not a strange weirdo, suddenly there is a shift in my head where uncertainty becomes easier to manage. It turns out that this is part of life, and I’d rather embrace it than bury this fear deep down in my foundation.
I’ve also been working on this topic in 2019. I’d like to say that I’ve gotten much better at becoming comfortable with uncertainty.
I also came to realise that I am perhaps seeking perfection, deep down. It only hit me when Pas told me that I am a perfectionist. Of course, I was mad at that. Do you know how many damn years I’ve spent to work on the concept of “perfection”? It has not stopped since 2009!! It’s been over 10 years, and I’m still not there yet. Of course I am mad.
But I also realised that the irony in it. Perfection does not exist, and I will never reach the perfect state of having no perfection.
Deep down, perhaps I still crave perfection. That’s why I love certainty. That’s why I hate vulnerability, fears and weakness. These are flaws that should not be part of us.
Oh how wrong I was in the past. And I’m glad that I am having breakthroughs, recalibrating my life and growing to become a better person. I’m glad I am not longer the naive mind in the past. Fuck yeah growth!
I am Enough
Above all, I am enough. I always knew that, but when some vulnerabilities show, I feel less worthy. Now that I have embraced vulnerabilities and fears, I am reminded that I am enough. Enough for love, enough for success, just enough.
3 simple words. Took me a fucking long time to get to it. But I did. I got it now.